A Few Online Dating Dos and Dont's

Posted July 31st, 2017

Online dating has changed the dynamic of how we flirt, and that’s before we even get into the cultural differences you can run into on Findmate (a subject for another blog!), which is one of the most diverse dating sites on the planet. Are you new to online dating, or have you not had as much success as you would like? We have a few quick suggestions:

Do…

…make the first move! This goes whether you’re a guy, girl, trans, non-binary etc. Any non-dude with experience online dating knows that a lot of guys are going to be forward, and on average, women tend to be more likely to wake up to a full inbox than men. But studies have shown that “women are 2.5x as likely to get a response than men if they initiate contact.” More than that, even though no machine can measure a platonic ideal of hotness, women who message first tend to be able to pull more generally desirable men as measure by dating site stats when they are the ones choosing who to talk to.

Think about it: when you’re choosing which messages to respond to, you’re stuck with men who’ve picked you, rather than men you’ve picked. The same is true for queer Findmate users: if two women are going to find each other, one of them has to talk first. Be bold.

Don’t…

…bombard your match with messages if he/she/they don’t get back to your polite holla (it was polite, right?). This seems to be especially true for guys messaging girls, but silence usually either indicates she is either too busy to get back to you or she’s not interested. You’re not going to help either scenario by begging or shouting. If you’re still thinking about her after a week, it’s okay to give her a nudge, but beyond that, you’re much better off moving on to the next one. 

Do…

…be upfront about what you’re looking for! Many people of all genders are down for a hookup if the situation is right, and as long as you’re respectful and attentive to your hookup’s needs, there is nothing wrong with that. By the same token, many Findmate users are looking in earnest for a long-term partner. There are so many equally awesome kinds of love between.

Where problems arise is when someone’s not being honest. Acting like you want a girl to be your permanent girlfriend and then ghosting on her after you’ve been intimate is a good way to really hurt her feelings. Likewise, saying you just want to hook up with someone when you actually desperately want to date them is a good way to hurt yourself. Everyone catches feelings unexpectedly sometimes, and emotions are complicated: so why make them more complicated for everyone on purpose?

Don’t…

…lie on your personal info! This should be obvious, but can you think of anything worse than getting a few dates into a really promising relationship and then having to tell them you have kids you didn’t tell them about? And while your date may appreciate how your breath is always fresh, constantly popping mints to cover your secret smoke breaks is not a permanent solution. Findmate’s profile fields were chosen to give users the simplest way to get to know the basics about each other. We know they work. So don’t tamper with them, and we’ll help you find a person you can be you with!

Do…

…try to listen as much as you talk. Most of us have been in a situation where we find ourselves feeling like we’re interviewing a date instead of having a conversation; sometimes they don’t even need us to ask questions! There are stereotypes all over the gender spectrum: the straight guy who talks endlessly about his own accomplishments until you feel like you’re being smushed in a Foreman grill; the girl who gabs without cessation about nothing as if air without her voice in it is a deadly toxic gas; a gay dude riffing for his own amusement like a dollar store Oscar Wilde… finding someone whose introverted and extroverted qualities fit snugly with your own is key, but you’ll never find out unless you make an effort to tease their real personality out!

Try to find conversation topics that allow for a back and forth, and if your partner seems quiet, make sure to ask them questions that give them an opening to say their piece (or politely change the topic if it doesn’t interest them). If one of their interests is obscure to you, try to learn what about it appeals to them, and use it to figure out what it says about who they are. Online dating is a way to chat with someone without the pressure of saving a flagging coffee date. By the time you meet, you at least have an inkling there’s something about them you can connect with.

Don’t…

…give away everything before you meet. This goes hand in hand with the last point, and it can be a tricky balance. A common online dating stumbling block is when you’ve had such rich and full conversations in Findmate chat that when you meet in person, you feel like there’s nothing left to talk about. The sweet spot varies from couple to couple, and if you’re feeling things out with someone long distance, you’ll probably be doing more of your courting at the keyboard. Just try not to let your obvious text chemistry with someone get in the way of what most people are looking for: a flesh and blood interaction. After a few days or a week of chatting, if things feel good, it might be time to start talking about grabbing that first cup of coffee.